Rapper Rhymes Purple With Shmurple, Wurple

Ears, Eyes Left Devastated

Although the English language has no known rhyme for the word, it has emerged that English rapper-slash-actor Michael "G" Galtta (pictured right) has rhymed purple with shmurple and wurple.

The zero-selling hip-hopper, who modestly refers to others as "the best at that", rewrote established linguistic law at an underground rap jam in Embleton, England.

"I've never seen such cerebral gymnastics," said astounded bystander - or victim of the celebrated 'G-had' - Stephen Turnbull.

"You can take the dictionary and throw it away when G is around," minced Turnbull. "Next he'll be rhyming something with trigonometry or whatever - just ask (him)."

Galtta, who had earlier been labelled a "horrible bastard" by the assembled throng, has previously rhymed orange - also thought to have no known rhyme - with borange.

Upon news of the purple rhyme emerging, the Oxford Dictionary Press ground to a halt and the Black music industry collapsed in on itself, crushing dozens and effectively paralysing the world economy.

Galtta, playing down his aural miracle, said: "Know what I mean, blood. Heavy, heavy. Has anybody got any crisps?

"I can rhyme anything, bro. Watch this: Trouser News, Bowser News, motherf*****g Shmouser News. Yeah, jefanwe."

Despite his achievement, the lyrical heavyweight - who later denied he was most akin to a whale in jail - is not expected to be signed up to a five-album, $100m record deal with Death Row Records.

Sindi Parker
New Rhyme Reporter

Phrase Struck From English Language

Popular Cliché Left Out In The Cold

The phrase "at the end of the day" was omitted from the English Language yesterday in what is being described by experts as a "damage limitation exercise".

The saying, an ever-present among sportsmen and the working class, enjoyed huge popularity in the late 1990s, but has since struggled against resurgent synonyms like "when all is said and done" and "when all the dust has settled".

Keredith Splugen, Professor of Ameliorative And/Or Pejorative Studies at Southampton University, believes at the end of the day's unexpected extermination was inevitable given its unfeasibly wide usage.

"Those six little words meant pretty much everything to everyone," she said. "This can be scientifically equated as meaning nothing to nobody. This really is just an exercise in ink and breath conservation.

"We would plot the saying's course on the Dexter Fletcher Bombing Scale, but seriously, how can you plot something that is, in actual fact, nothing?"

Concluded Ms Splugen, discombobulatedly: "At the close of daylight hours, all English Language speakers will find themselves at the helm of a rich and worthy tongue. Know what I mean?"

At the end of the day will soon be interred at the Defunct Phraseology Complex in Dover, joining the likes of "Don't push me; I'm a Push-Pop" and "Am I bovvered?", among others.

Nelson Petard
Senior Cliché Correspondent

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