Diana Vickers' Hand To Diana Vickers: Stop It

Wrist-revolving, inflection-affecting, Blackburn-born X-Factor contestant, Diana Vickers, is a going completely overboard with the hand twisting, her left hand reported today.

The appendage, seen contorted and rotating whenever Vickers is on screen, is believed to be close to quitting after weeks of grotesque disfiguration.

"I'm not some kind of toy," the hand said. "Use me to hold the microphone or leave me alone. Why make me gnarled like that? You're not [a] Jeremy Beadle [tribute act]."

"We used to get on fine. You'd use me to brush your hair and everything. I haven't seen a comb in months, and neither has your hair by the looks of it," it added.

Vickers' left hand has found support among fellow contestants' body parts, including Rachel's beard, Dead Wife's beer gut, and even judge Dannii's facial staples.

"She should let her hand do the world a favour and cover her mouth," boomed Eoghan's gargantuan barnet between hairspray treatments. "She's almost as annoying as the little pleb underneath me."

A hand departure could spell trouble for the 17-year-old, whose feet and voice have indicated concerns about a lack of shoes and talent respectively.

Evans Still Has X-Factor, Dead Wife

X-Factor contestant Daniel Evans, whose wife is dead, bravely secured his future on the show after dedicating yet another song to his deceased partner, who is dead.

'Dead Wife', a widower probably in his 30s, raised the bar again as he sang a powerful love ballad to his dearly departed, despite not having a wife for a number of years.

Being single and heartbroken did not stop the bereaved Evans from belting out the track - and looking tearfully to the heavens - as he struggled to reconcile with his late wife's lack of being alive.

Dead Wife is now expected to reach the finals of the competition with such songs in the pipeline as A Song For The Dead by Queens Of The Stone Age, Already Dead by Beck and All By Myself by Celine Dion.

Following the elimination show, tributes poured in for Evans, whose betrothed passed away a number of years ago, from all over the country.

"He's an amazing man," said Paul Starr of the Wife Is Dead, Oh Woe (WIDOW) support group. "To sing a song about your dead wife without the support of your wife due to her being dead is just remarkable."

Dead Wife's vanquished opponent in the bottom two, Scott, has never even had a girlfriend, let alone married and then buried the love of his life and gone on to live a wifeless life.

Television sensation and national hero Evans, who outlived his spouse, is still expected to be single, heartbroken and vulnerable during next week's Gangster Rap themed X-Factor.

Scientologists Open Heaton Branch

The Church Of Scientology has opened its first UK branch outside London in an unlikely location: Heaton's Meldon Working Men's Club.

The club, established in 1932 by the working men of Chillingham Road, has exchanged its beer taps for donation boxes, its newspaper rack for books about intergalactic ruler, Xenu, and its tatty sign-in book for a pile of billion-year binding contracts.

"It's great to expand our recruitment operations beyond London," said manager Kirstie Alley, a level three thetan. "We're so excited to be welcoming passers by into our friendly church. By which I mean forcibly devouring their souls."

The takeover, however, hasn't been to everybody's taste. Former regular Barry Cuthbert - a serial kitten strangler according to Scientologists - is leading calls for The Meldon to be returned to its previous owners and re-established as a working men's club.

"It's absurd," said Cuthbert. "The conversation is non-existent because most people in there are on the lookout for an accident outside. On the rare occasion one occurs, they all scarper out with their recruitment ganzies on."

Alley's decision to replace crisp selections with psychotropic drugs has also been met with a mixed response, as has the decision to reprogramme the quiz machine with a single game in which the player acts as L. Ron Hubbard stabbing his wife with a coat hanger. "Congratulations," announces the machine upon completion of the game. "Our reptilian overlords see fit to let you live."

Local sources indicate that although The Meldon now has creepy bar staff with forked tongues, a donation-determined heirarchy for toilet privileges and a critic-discrediting specialist eavesdropping at every table, it's still better than Echo.

Trouser News: World At A Glance

Paul and Barry Chuckle’s heartbeats are synced to a steady 60bpm. Their friends and associates have been known to set their watches by it.

Contrary to popular belief, sheep do not belong to the mammal family. They are, in fact, arachnids. As such, they are the only farmed spiders in the world.

If you were to stand the United Kingdom up on its southern coast and allow it to fall southwards, many millions of lives would be senselessly lost.

Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist, Flea, is 52 years old.

Although commonly used a joke, the word “gullible” has actually been removed from the dictionary: in 2006, experts reverted to its original spelling, “ghullible”.

The long scar on football pundit Alan Hansen’s forehead is from a brain fissure caused by too much intense thinking about football. To simulate what it’s like to caress the scar, run your fingers over the gap between two Bibles on a bookshelf.

West Street, Wallsend, is the longest street in the world (emotionally rather than geographically).

Amy Winehouse is a highly-trained squad of furless manx cats inside a hi-tech mannequin. The real Amy retired to dentistry in order to escape the public gaze.

White men can’t jump.

The world’s most successful TV is not Baywatch or Desperate Housewives, but Pat Sharpe’s Fun House, which has been seen by 100% of 15-24 year olds (or 2.5bn people).

Conversely, the least popular show is BBC’s ill-fated Eldorado, which ran for less than one full episode and was seen by just 12 people.

Only one new fear has made it into the Reader’s Digest Top Ten Phobias in last five years - the fear of finding gristle in your sausage roll or pastie.

Eggheads’ CJ de Mooi once went an entire year without answering a single quiz question correctly or smiling.

The house used in children’s game show Finders Keepers was actually host Neil Buchanan’s real home. His wife and children can often be seen going about their daily routine.

Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park is the most expensive documentary ever made.

The Nintendo Entertainment System (or NES) was originally marketed as an elaborate paperweight until it was accidentally discovered that it could run 8-bit cartridges (until then sold by Nintendo as coasters).

New ATM Unveiled

Heaton Shoppers, Fatties Rejoice

A brand new Link-branded ATM was unveiled in Heaton, Newcastle last week amidst scenes of fanfare and jubilation best described as "non-existent".

The utterly pointless machine, situated in the shop front of Polish grocery boutique The Big Freeze, will charge lazy, overweight people £1.50 to access their (probably) ill-gotten funds.

A spokesman for neighbouring fish and chip establishment, Gills, welcomed Link's decision to cater to their most frequent customers.

"It's really unexpected, and well worth the two or three days in which mothers and toddlers had to dodge traffic as work was carried out," said Suzi Keegan.

"It's closer to our entrance than the Link machine inside the Star Market (next door), which is great news for the fat racists among our clientele."

Mild Revelation Averted

Unusually Witty Event Rendered Useless

What appeared to be a pleasant surprise was narrowly avoided this morning in the snow covered streets of North East England.

Alan Hatchet, 35, was bemoaning the lack of originality in snow doodles when he saw the relatively provocative statement, "Cold?", scrawled into the ice on the windscreen of a 1991 Nissan Datsun.

The pseudo-clever graffiti brought a smile to the dog creche owner's face with the apparent proof that not every day is a dull, grinding trundle towards the grave.

The proclamation, however, was rendered meaningless through its appearance on another three car windscreens, along with five cartoon penises, two incomplete tic-tac-toe boards and a "Boro are wank".

Local News In Brief

GREENER ALMOST ADMITS ERROR

History was almost made on Wednesday morning when a man never known to have been wrong almost acknowledged a factual error on his part.

Benjamin Greener, 23, was putting the world to rights - as is his morning custom - when he inexplicably identified Dutchman Ronald Koeman as the current manager of European football team, AZ Alkmaar.

Greener, however, backtracked without admission, and forbade rant recipient, David Welsh, from thinking about the conversation or even that it had occured.

The museums outreach officer went on to be wrong about Pol Pot, salami, currency conversion and the lifespan of dolphins without acknowledging his errors, thus making them "Ben Facts" or "bullshit".



UNINVITED GUEST IN SLEEPING BAG SHOCK

After more than six months of ever-increasing controversy, a Whitley Bay-based Sudanese man was found sleeping in an actual sleeping bag on Tuesday morning.

Michael Galtta, a 23-year-old mobile phone salesman, caused a local sensation when he switched to the specialised dozing sack instead of sofa throws after having spent 136 consecutive nights in the latter, forbidden garments.

"I had to double take," said astounded witness, David Welsh. "He may have ignored more than a thousand complaints, but there he was, clear as day and ugly as sin, in the sleeping bag."

Galtta, whose ear-shattering snores and eye-gougingly apparent bare arse have confronted and confounded housemates for most of their tenancy, was at a loss as to what happened.

"What am I doing in this green thing?" he exclaimed between draws of a cigarette in the no-smoking living room. "Is Dixie Chicken still open?"



CAT "PIG SICK" OF STEPFATHER

Once described as an adoptive match made in heaven, the relationship between a Heaton man and his girlfriend's cat plummeted to new depths last week.

Owie Belton, who has no tail, and Simon Clark, a 23-year-old practically unemployed, came to blows once again as the black and white feline snoozed on a vacant keyboard.

Clark, who "designs websites" in his spare time, moved the befuddled cat to continue his critical "work", or "browse Facebook for an hour or two."

"I'm getting a little tired of his routine," exclaimed Owie. "He always wants feeding or attention. If he's not waking me up to annoy me, he's asleep in my bed. It's out of control."

The feud has long-since banished happy memories of the pair's early days, in which Clark found the cat's missing tail amusing rather than repulsive.

"He thinks I'm taking all those photographs because I like him," said Simon. "In fact, it's so I can photoshop a tail back on and not feel physically sick when I look at him."

Owie rebuffed Clark's claims, claiming that he couldn't even photoshop "white on rice" after several years of intensive IT training. The feud continues.



HOUSEMATE'S STEALTH LEVELS "CREEPY"

The delicate movements of a housemate in Heaton, Newcastle's House Of Trouser have been described as "creepy" by his increasingly-suspicious fellow residents.

Andrew Graham, 23, of Monkseaton, is believed to be able to negotiate all three levels and two staircases of the terraced property without so much as creaking a floorboard.

"It's creepy," noted spooked housemate, Ben Greener. "Sometimes you'll just be watching TV on mute and he'll be in the room. I wish he'd just stamp on every step or run across the landing or something."

Graham, whose feet are almost as long as he is tall, is due to be confronted about his stealthy behaviour once housemates have located the herd of elephants often heard - but never seen - on the first floor landing.

Rapper Rhymes Purple With Shmurple, Wurple

Ears, Eyes Left Devastated

Although the English language has no known rhyme for the word, it has emerged that English rapper-slash-actor Michael "G" Galtta (pictured right) has rhymed purple with shmurple and wurple.

The zero-selling hip-hopper, who modestly refers to others as "the best at that", rewrote established linguistic law at an underground rap jam in Embleton, England.

"I've never seen such cerebral gymnastics," said astounded bystander - or victim of the celebrated 'G-had' - Stephen Turnbull.

"You can take the dictionary and throw it away when G is around," minced Turnbull. "Next he'll be rhyming something with trigonometry or whatever - just ask (him)."

Galtta, who had earlier been labelled a "horrible bastard" by the assembled throng, has previously rhymed orange - also thought to have no known rhyme - with borange.

Upon news of the purple rhyme emerging, the Oxford Dictionary Press ground to a halt and the Black music industry collapsed in on itself, crushing dozens and effectively paralysing the world economy.

Galtta, playing down his aural miracle, said: "Know what I mean, blood. Heavy, heavy. Has anybody got any crisps?

"I can rhyme anything, bro. Watch this: Trouser News, Bowser News, motherf*****g Shmouser News. Yeah, jefanwe."

Despite his achievement, the lyrical heavyweight - who later denied he was most akin to a whale in jail - is not expected to be signed up to a five-album, $100m record deal with Death Row Records.

Sindi Parker
New Rhyme Reporter

Phrase Struck From English Language

Popular Cliché Left Out In The Cold

The phrase "at the end of the day" was omitted from the English Language yesterday in what is being described by experts as a "damage limitation exercise".

The saying, an ever-present among sportsmen and the working class, enjoyed huge popularity in the late 1990s, but has since struggled against resurgent synonyms like "when all is said and done" and "when all the dust has settled".

Keredith Splugen, Professor of Ameliorative And/Or Pejorative Studies at Southampton University, believes at the end of the day's unexpected extermination was inevitable given its unfeasibly wide usage.

"Those six little words meant pretty much everything to everyone," she said. "This can be scientifically equated as meaning nothing to nobody. This really is just an exercise in ink and breath conservation.

"We would plot the saying's course on the Dexter Fletcher Bombing Scale, but seriously, how can you plot something that is, in actual fact, nothing?"

Concluded Ms Splugen, discombobulatedly: "At the close of daylight hours, all English Language speakers will find themselves at the helm of a rich and worthy tongue. Know what I mean?"

At the end of the day will soon be interred at the Defunct Phraseology Complex in Dover, joining the likes of "Don't push me; I'm a Push-Pop" and "Am I bovvered?", among others.

Nelson Petard
Senior Cliché Correspondent