Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Trouser News: World At A Glance

Paul and Barry Chuckle’s heartbeats are synced to a steady 60bpm. Their friends and associates have been known to set their watches by it.


Contrary to popular belief, sheep do not belong to the mammal family. They are, in fact, arachnids. As such, they are the only farmed spiders in the world.


If you were to stand the United Kingdom up on its southern coast and allow it to fall southwards, many millions of lives would be senselessly lost.


Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist, Flea, is 52 years old.


Although commonly used a joke, the word “gullible” has actually been removed from the dictionary: in 2006, experts reverted to its original spelling, “ghullible”.


The long scar on football pundit Alan Hansen’s forehead is from a brain fissure caused by too much intense thinking about football. To simulate what it’s like to caress the scar, run your fingers over the gap between two Bibles on a bookshelf.


West Street, Wallsend, is the longest street in the world (emotionally rather than geographically).


Amy Winehouse is a highly-trained squad of furless manx cats inside a hi-tech mannequin. The real Amy retired to dentistry in order to escape the public gaze.


White men can’t jump.


The world’s most successful TV is not Baywatch or Desperate Housewives, but Pat Sharpe’s Fun House, which has been seen by 100% of 15-24 year olds (or 2.5bn people).


Conversely, the least popular show is BBC’s ill-fated Eldorado, which ran for less than one full episode and was seen by just 12 people.


Only one new fear has made it into the Reader’s Digest Top Ten Phobias in last five years - the fear of finding gristle in your sausage roll or pastie.


Eggheads’ CJ de Mooi once went an entire year without answering a single quiz question correctly or smiling.


The house used in children’s game show Finders Keepers was actually host Neil Buchanan’s real home. His wife and children can often be seen going about their daily routine.


Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park is the most expensive documentary ever made.


The Nintendo Entertainment System (or NES) was originally marketed as an elaborate paperweight until it was accidentally discovered that it could run 8-bit cartridges (until then sold by Nintendo as coasters).

New ATM Unveiled

Heaton Shoppers, Fatties Rejoice

A brand new Link-branded ATM was unveiled in Heaton, Newcastle last week amidst scenes of fanfare and jubilation best described as "non-existent".

The utterly pointless machine, situated in the shop front of Polish grocery boutique The Big Freeze, will charge lazy, overweight people £1.50 to access their (probably) ill-gotten funds.

A spokesman for neighbouring fish and chip establishment, Gills, welcomed Link's decision to cater to their most frequent customers.

"It's really unexpected, and well worth the two or three days in which mothers and toddlers had to dodge traffic as work was carried out," said Suzi Keegan.

"It's closer to our entrance than the Link machine inside the Star Market (next door), which is great news for the fat racists among our clientele."